Empowering Me

By Karlie

It’s taken a long time to like who I am. Most of my life, whenever I looked in the mirror, I hated the person staring back at me. I believed that I didn’t have a lot to offer the world, and if I suddenly disappeared, it wouldn’t have made a difference. Now, I’m happy to say that I am no longer at that point. However, It’s been a tough road to get to where I am.

I’ve always felt different from everyone else. I was a shy dork who loved academics and had “weird” hobbies. In those formative high school years, when my peers started drinking and experimenting with sex, I was at home reading a book and hanging out with my dogs (six years later, and this has not changed, ha!). I didn’t have my first kiss until I was 18, and to this very day, I am sober. As you could probably guess, I felt very alienated. I didn’t like those things about me because they weren’t cool. I wasn’t cool, and as a young teen, that was pretty hard on my self esteem, which soon became nonexistent.

When I went to college, I expected things to get better for me. And they did, in a lot of ways. I joined my school’s radio station and made a lot of friends with similar interests, and started dating a guy. For the first time, my quirks were actually celebrated. I was liked, I was doing well in school, I should’ve been happy! But I wasn’t. I still hated who I saw in the mirror. 

My sophomore year, those feelings really came to a head. In an environment where abusing substances is the norm, being a sober homebody really didn’t cut it. I was fighting with my boyfriend a ton because I refused to participate in those types of things, and party like the rest of my peers. No matter how much I hated myself or how isolated I felt, changing myself just to be liked by those types of people felt even worse. After desperately trying to be someone I wasn’t and berating myself for failing to do so, I was broken up with. At the time, it was devastating. Now? Probably one of the best things to ever happen to me.

After spending a couple months barely leaving my bed, I picked up the shattered remains of my heart and started exercising. I know this sounds very cliche, but those post-break up workouts? Life-changing. 

I started small. I was still fragile and had poor self esteem, so I began with home bodyweight workouts. I quickly advanced to using 10, 15, 20 pound dumbbells. I was beginning to see muscles! I had never had muscles before! It was incredibly exciting. I was high on success. I wanted more.

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment I started changing. After I outgrew my home workouts, I took to strength training in the gym with the barbell. In the same area the jock dudes usually hogged. It was intimidating at first, but once you realize no one cares what you’re doing, it gets a lot easier to do your own thing and leave. Once I got over that fear and started working out in earnest, it was like a switch was flipped. I figured out how much I loved to pick up heavy things and put them back down again. My body started to tone, and my mental health slowly started to improve as well. I got more involved with the radio station, made it a point to spend more time with my friends and family. 

One good habit led to another, and I started journaling and seeing a therapist. My confidence and self-esteem grew, and for the first time in my life I felt liked and accepted. I felt empowered. Even now, I get teary eyed when I think about how many people enjoy my company and think that I’m a cool person to be friends with. (Well, cool is a relative term. I’m still a huge dork!)

When you hit rock bottom, it seems like climbing out is impossible. And I won’t lie, it’s incredibly tough. Not everyday is going to be sunshine and rainbows. But bit by bit, you start to feel a little more comfortable in your own skin, and your smile becomes a little more genuine. And then, one day, you’ll love who you see in the mirror.