I Am Worthy
By Karen
I once thought I was unworthy. I wanted to be like someone else. It’s not so much I did not like myself, I assumed that other people wanted me to be different, including my mother. Growing up I dreamed I would have a zillion friends and I would be the person others would turn to. However, I spent so much time dreaming and thinking about who I wanted to be I didn’t take the steps into the journey that would lead me there. I kept recreating my story but never put it on paper or into action. However, now that I look back I did accomplish a lot despite the fact I did not give myself credit for my efforts.
I got married at the age of twenty-one believing that if I was a good wife and made my husband happy, I would be happy too. Unfortunately, I spent so much time trying to please him; I became angry, bitter, feeling like a loser as I found myself divorced. Evolving into a single mom and not knowing how to live my life without a husband and father was terrifying because I had to be me!
When I met my best friend, my husband of thirty-five years I was given the opportunity to be me. Not knowing how to be me I struggled until my youngest son brought to my attention that I would never be happy if I didn’t make myself happy. He told me I could not live vicariously through him, and making his dad smile was not a guarantee I would smile. He pushed me to turn obstacles into challenges that I could meet.
In 2013, just shortly after completing my advanced college degree with honors, I fell into a depression. Although I did not understand it, this was my turning point. It was like I allowed my body and mind hit rock bottom, so I could begin the climb out of the pit. I began making choices that would make me happy, “If momma is happy, everyone’s happy.” I chose to use my degree and the compassion I have for broadcasting to formulate a podcast(s) that would allow me to share my experiences in a way that someone else may benefit. I accept that it is not my way or the highway, nor do I have to follow the road that other’s may be speeding down. I chose forks in the road; some were good choices, others were not! However, each choice was a lesson to learn and become more educated in learning about myself.
Life is not perfect; we all suffer along the way. But, we have the choice on how much we will allow the pain to interfere in our journey to wellness. It is our emotional wellness that we can control or receive the guidance to control. No one can do this for us; we must do it for ourselves.
Recently I chose to reach out to women (and men) to share empowerment strategies. It begins with identifying what is important in your life, and what is important in mine is to lessen the burdens I have put on myself. I lived most of my life believing I was not “good enough for my mother” only to find out in her last weeks of life that I was. I refuse to live with the regrets of my thoughts. Instead, I can live with the knowledge that came from caring for her when she was in need. Empowerment allows us to chose the right and left turns in the maze of life. Doing so with a free heart has provided me with happier days, and smiles even when the sky is gray. I have become intentional, and even when I am not, I intentionally know that it’s OK.
Today I like me. I may not always like my hair, make-up or my reflection in the mirror, but I like the person I have become, facing challenges as obstacles along the way to push to aside, jump over, or when push gets to shove, hit it straight on!
My mission is to share in the dialogue, yours, mine and ours. When this is accomplished, we will bring the circle of life together creating a beautiful tapestry.
