It Will Get Better
By Paulina
Imagine coming from a loving, supportive home surrounded by incredible friends and family, loving life and living innocently, playing every sport possible, only for your entire world to be turned upside down at the age of 11. This is my story.
As a kid, I found joy and confidence in being a star athlete. I was the one to look out for on the field, court, or rink, as I was known for being one of the best of the best. This reality abruptly ended for me when I tore my ACL and Meniscus at 11 years old. I went from playing soccer and volleyball everyday to sitting on a recliner chair, immobile. I couldn’t go to Friday night skate, football games or the mall. I couldn’t even walk or make myself a sandwich. It was the first encounter I had with depression and, unfortunately, it was there to stay.
After over a year of recovery, I was back doing what I loved on the volleyball court. I was starting to gain my confidence once again with each practice, getting excited for my first official game in two years. But that game never came. My coach had me demonstrate a proper spike in volleyball, and on my third or fourth jump, when I made contact with the floor, my other leg gave out and I immediately felt that familiar excruciating pain. My coach suggested that it might be a sprain, but I knew my body well enough to know what happened. And sure enough, a year after recovering from my first injury, I tore my other ACL and Meniscus again.
This time, depression hit me like a tsunami instead of the choppy waves I experienced before. I felt my life crashing and burning before my eyes. All my hopes and dreams became seemingly impossible. This was a time in my life when I really started to change from the happy, positive, child I was into a depressed and angry teenager.
I felt like the world was out to get me and everyone was against me. All the confidence I gained from playing sports and being active was gone. I became very insecure about who I was and every aspect of myself. In fact, I was so insecure that I couldn’t even make eye contact with someone unless I had a full face of makeup and straightened hair. I was your stereotypical emo/scene kid hiding behind thick eyeliner and teased hair.
Amidst all of this, I was doing my physical therapy and somewhere deep deep down I still had a glimmer of hope. I knew I couldn’t do aggressive contact sports anymore so I decided to focus on my love for figure skating and joined a ballet class to help with my strength and flexibility. I was 13 when I fell in love with the art of dance.
Amidst all of this, I was doing my physical therapy and somewhere deep deep down I still had a glimmer of hope. I knew I couldn’t do aggressive contact sports anymore so I decided to focus on my love for figure skating and joined a ballet class to help with my strength and flexibility. I was 13 when I fell in love with the art of dance.
Within one year, I was joining almost every class the studio had to offer and even auditioned for the competitive team. After failing miserably during the first year’s audition, I actually made it the second year! Was I still depressed during this? YES! High school is in an incredibly difficult time for everyone. I was dealing with school stress, boy problems, friend drama, body insecurities, anxiety, depression and even self-harm. But not in the dance studio. Dance became the love and hope of my life, dance is what pushed me through. I fell so in love with dance that when I tore my Meniscus and went in for my third knee surgery my Sophomore year of High School, instead of falling apart and letting it destroy me, I accepted it and used it as a weapon.
I spent everyday for months sitting on the floor of the studio with my crutches by my side watching my friends dance and taking notes. At the end of class, I would turn my notes in to my teacher to show what I had learned while observing. In the beginning I was incredibly solemn, once again sitting on the sidelines observing everybody else. But if it hadn’t been for this injury and the months spent taking notes, then I wouldn’t be the knowledgeable dancer I am today. It was during this time that I learned I love dance so much I don’t even have to be the one performing to feel that love and happiness from it. Ever since then I knew I had to have dance in my life somehow.
When I went away to college, I knew dance is what I wanted to chase after. I wanted to study business and dance and open my own studio one day. But things didn’t go according to plan. Ohio State turned out to be way harder than I expected and I felt extremely alone. I didn’t make any of the dance clubs or teams I auditioned for, I was being told by everyone around me I could never make it after having four knee surgeries (yes FOUR, I tore my other meniscus my Senior year before college) and starting at such a late age.
There were many skills I was years behind on, as I began my dance journey a decade after most students, and moves I would never be able to fully perform because of my fragile knees. But I worked harder and danced with more passion than most of my peers because I was so grateful to even be able to walk, to dance. I missed my dance studio, my friends and I started to feel myself losing my purpose again. I began doubting myself and believing everyone around me and switched my major multiple times trying to figure out what to do. Everyone told me I’d figure out my major, but by the end of my second year I still hadn’t decided, because all I wanted to do was dance.
I was miserable, felt worthless in school and really struggled with finding that passion to live that dance had given me before. I started feeling like that depressed angry teenager again. Feeling like life wasn’t fair and I would never achieve my dreams or be truly happy. After becoming so depressed and suicidal in college, my parents decided I should take a break for my mental health.
That was a year ago and I’m happier now than I have been since I was 10 years old. I am now serving full time at a restaurant I love with amazing coworkers, and chasing my dreams of becoming a dance and yoga teacher. I want to travel and teach yoga, dance, and flow arts at festivals and studios. I want to do aerial silks and hoops. I want to breathe and spin fire and travel and perform. I want to have my own studio one day and inspire kids to dance and raise their vibration to become their most beautiful and happiest self like dance has done for me. I see other people living these dreams and instead of thinking “I wish that was me” like I once would, I now think “Who said that can’t be me?!”
I’ve learned a lot in the past year, but the most important thing I’ve learned is to make every decision for the sake of your happiness, dreams and nothing else. If you hate college so much that you are constantly depressed, stop going. If a friend is toxic to you and drains you, stop hanging out with them. If your job sucks, quit. Find another one.
Happiness is in the power of our own hands. Chase your dreams. If you are at a rock bottom in your life like I have been many times, just remember that even the suffering is part of the journey. Grow from your suffering, thank your suffering for making you a stronger spirit in this universe. I wouldn’t be who I am today without everything I’ve endured since I first tore my ACL at 11. And remember, mental illness and depression are very, very real. Sometimes our brains are too sick to be able to think straight and positively.
Reaching out for help is something you should never be ashamed of. Mental illness is something we have to fight together and support each other in. It doesn’t have to be a one-man battle, we can conquer this and find true happiness together. Just know it won’t be this way forever, and you will not feel this way forever. It will get better. I promise. If it did for me, it will for you. Keep fighting, and keep chasing your dreams.
