Listening to Our Least Favorite Feelings
By Meredith Ellis
Unwanted Feelings
I often find myself having a feeling I wish I didn’t feel.
Sometimes, I feel sadness rising in my throat when I’m trying to focus.
Sometimes, I feel anger filling my muscles as I’m trying my hardest to cooperate.
Sometimes, I feel fear speeding up my whole body right when I want to look cool and relaxed.
Often, it seems like these emotions are working against me.
I WANT to get my work done, but sadness is getting in the way.
I WANT to have a peaceful day with my friend, but anger is getting in the way.
I WANT to just “be myself” around new people, but fear is getting in the way.
These feelings (anger, sadness and fear) often show up when I don’t want them there.
They weren’t invited; they just visit without asking me first.
Have you ever had a similar experience with an unwanted feeling?
Advice that Tells Us to “Just Get Rid Of” Hard Feelings
Maybe you wished you could make that pesky feeling go away. Maybe other people told you you could, if you tried hard enough.
Have you ever gotten advice that sounded like this before?
“Just smile. Be happy!”
“You are so sensitive. That’s no big deal.”
“Calm down!”
When you heard this advice in response to your painful feeling, what happened inside you?
Sometimes, when we hear advice like this, the fear, anger or sadness inside us becomes EVEN BIGGER, even harder for us to ignore.
Sometimes, we can feel ashamed when we can’t make the feeling go away completely, especially if we’re really trying.
What Are Painful Feelings Good For, Anyway?
We may have asked ourselves why we even have painful feelings. What’s the point of having hard feelings, when life would be so much easier if we could just feel happy and be productive all of the time?
There are so many important answers to this question.
Our feelings, both the pleasant and unpleasant ones, help us understand ourselves and other people.
They tell us what we like and don’t like.
They tell us who and what matters to us.
They tell us when something is and isn’t okay with us.
They tell us what we believe about the world.
They tell us when we need to take care of ourselves and others.
They tell us how to take care of ourselves and others.
Painful feelings tell us when something isn’t okay with us. They tell us what we believe about the world.
Bestselling author Glennon Doyle, in her book Untamed, writes,
“Where is the pain in the world that you just cannot stand? Stand there. The thing that breaks your heart is the very thing you were born to help heal. Every world changer’s work begins with a broken heart. . . Deep feelings of sadness or rage can show us what we are most passionate about changing in the world. They can help us understand our purpose.”
Painful feelings tell us when we need to take care of ourselves and others. They tell us how to take care of ourselves and others.
The Pixar movie Inside Out features a lovable character, “Bing-Bong,” who was once the childhood imaginary friend of a now pre-teen girl, Riley. Within the imaginative world of Inside Out, Bing-Bong continues to live a life of his own inside Riley’s subconscious.
However, Riley is gradually forgetting Bing-Bong as she gets older, and Bing-Bong, still alive in Riley’s mind, is able to watch as Riley’s memories of him fade.
In one of the movie’s most hear-wrenching scenes, Bing-Bong sees an imaginary “rocket” he and Riley once created together being forgotten.
He sits helplessly on the ground and looks as if he might cry.
The character of “Joy” runs to Bing-Bong’s side and tries to snap him out of it. “Hey! It’s gonna be okay! We can fix this! We just need to get back to headquarters! Which way to the train station?”
Bing-Bong doesn’t budge.
Joy then attempts a series of other just-smile-be-happy strategies (tickling Bing-Bong, making silly faces, creating a distraction).
Again, Bing Bong doesn’t respond.
Finally, the character “Sadness” approaches Bing-Bong. She sits on the ground next to him. She recognizes Bing-Bong’s sadness because she, too, knows this dark emotion.
Sadness tells him, “I’m sorry they took your rocket. They took something that you loved. It’s gone. Forever.”
“It’s all I had left of Riley,” Bing-Bong tells her.
Sadness listens as Bing-Bong shares some of the things he loved about his time with Riley. “We were best friends,” he tells her. Sadness, placing a hand on Bing-Bong’s knee, agrees, “Yeah, That’s sad.”
Bing-Bong hugs Sadness and weeps for a few moments. He then sits up, takes a few breaths, and says, “I’m okay now.”
Rising to his feet, he tells Joy and Sadness,“Come on. The train station is this way.”
Because Sadness had spent time getting to know her own painful feelings, she knew what to do when she saw someone else in pain. She knew what kind of support Bing-Bong needed and how to give it.
Joy, less experienced with painful feelings, was unable to help Bing-Bong in this dark moment.
This is the cost of trying to ignore and avoid painful feelings. We miss out on knowing how to help ourselves and how to help others.
What’s the Difference Between Accepting My Unwanted Feelings and Letting Them Control Me?
As important as our unwanted feelings are, we may still feel scared to get too close to them.
We may be worried, if we stop pushing away our anger, we’ll start yelling at people whenever we feel like it.
We may be worried, if we decide being afraid and being sad are okay, we’ll start hiding from everything challenging and become cry-babies.
If we don’t reject anger, sadness and fear, won’t we give in to them and just start doing whatever we want?
Interestingly, having an accepting attitude toward painful feelings helps us have better self-discipline. When we give attention and respect to a hard feeling, we become better able to handle it.
Judging a painful feeling as “bad” or “stupid” makes it much harder to soothe.
When I tell myself, “Meredith, GET IT TOGETHER. STOP CRYING,” my body needs to cry even more. When I tell myself, “Meredith, CALM DOWN. YOU’RE BEING IRRATIONAL,” my body holds onto my anger even more tightly, and I feel even more compelled to snap at the people around me.
What Does It Mean to Respect a Feeling?
When we truly respect an emotion, we don’t call it “good” or “bad,” and we don’t try to push it away.
We might ask ourselves:
What does this emotion feel like in my body?
What happened inside of me or outside of me that led to this feeling?
Am I judging myself or someone else?
What thoughts am I thinking that hurt the most right now?
It’s important to find a good name for what we’re feeling (e.g. guilt? panic? disappointment?). Remember, we can be feeling more than one emotion at a time. Naming our feeling(s) can usually help us feel some relief.
Most people struggle with finding specific names for their emotions. The Mood Meter app is a nifty tool I use to find good words for what I’m feeling.
Painful feelings are telling us one or more of our needs aren’t getting met.
Once we’ve named our feeling(s), we can ask “What do I need that I’m not getting right now?” (e.g. to be included? to be heard? to feel accepted?).
When we know what we need, we can figure out how to meet that need (either by ourselves or with others’ help).
We can ask ourselves “Is there something I can do for myself to meet my need(s)?”
If we need rest, we can ask “Can I give myself a nap?”
If we need space, we can ask “Can I give myself some time alone?”
We can also ask ourselves “Is there something I can request from someone else that would help me meet my need(s)?”
If we need support, we can ask someone else “Can you listen to me for a little while?”
If we need respect, we can tell someone else “I feel hurt when you call me that name. Can you please stop calling me that?”
Even after we try to meet our need(s), our painful feeling(s) might not go away completely.
Sometimes painful emotions need to stay with us for a while before we can fully figure out that they’re telling us, and that’s okay!
If you’re under 18, please make sure you’re talking to a trusted adult if you’re having hard feelings that are really really painful or lasting a long time and not going away.
Sometimes we do need to get some extra help from an adult or a mental health professional, and that’s okay too.
Being Kinder To Our Feelings
Most of us have heard some feelings described as “good” (happy, excited, calm, etc.) and some described as “bad” (angry, sad, afraid, jealous, lonely, etc.).
But what if none of our feelings are good or bad?
What if they just want us to hear what they have to say?
And what if we can handle whatever they tell us?
In Lauren Rubenstein, JD, PsyD’s children’s book Visiting Feelings, she writes:
“Do you have a feeling that’s visiting today?
Can you open your door and invite it to play?
Can you ask what it wants and then check it out?
Welcome it and listen to what it’s about?
[...]
So whenever a feeling comes by to play,
welcome it in, and let it stay
For as long as it likes, or a minute or two.
Treat your feelings like friends, talking to you.”
