Love and Loss
By Michaela Toth
Grief is a wild ride. One minute you are happy; the next minute you are experiencing the grandest heartache you have ever felt. Another minute you are calm; the next you are cursing the world. A day, a week, or a month later, you are accepting what happened. Then, suddenly, you are in extreme denial. When you experience grief, your emotions will fluctuate from the deepest lows to the most extreme highs with everything in between. But the most important thing to remember with grief is that it comes from a place of love.
My father was diagnosed with colon cancer in the fall of 2020. Most colon cancer is treatable, but that did not stop my family and me from experiencing heightened emotions of anxiety. After 15 months of treatment, operations, and everything in between, my father passed away peacefully in our home in February 2022. My father fought valiantly against the cancer up until the very end.
My father was the strongest man I knew. He taught my siblings and me resilience and patience and provided us with immense, unconditional love. At 24 years old, the shock and heartbreak of losing my father was the most painful experience I had ever lived through. Watching my dad, who was always so strong for me my entire life, become so weak was heartbreaking. I have flipped through the realizations of what it meant to lose my dad at such a young age way too many times—how he wouldn’t be there to give me away at my wedding or meet my future children. I have shed many tears and have felt the deepest sorrow.
Time has passed since I lost my father and after flipping back and forth through all of the stages of grief, I learned a lot about what it meant to grieve.
Grief comes in many stages. According to the University of Washington, there are five main stages of grief: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. There is no linear path through the stages. They are a web—intertwined with and looping back to one another in some way. The ability to recognize which stage you are in will help you identify your emotions and ground yourself. You must allow yourself to go through each stage as many times as you need so you can move forward with the grieving process, no matter how painful it may be.
When grieving a loved one, you will not simply move on. You will carry on, even though you may feel that it is impossible. I learned that I cannot and will not “move on” from losing my dad. My dad will always hold a special place in my life, and I will never let that go. Carrying on allows me to remember all of the love and memories I shared with my dad as I continue living my life to the fullest. The loss is not the end of the book; it is the end of a chapter.
Along the same lines, life will not “get better.” It will get easier, however. It was a hard adjustment after losing my dad. I still have moments when I find myself wanting to ask my dad a question or tell him some good news before I realize he isn’t here. Life is different without him. There will be good moments and bad moments in my life, but the adjustment will get easier over time. Life will not simply “be better” without my dad.
One of my favorite quotes I found after losing my dad is by author Jamie Anderson:
“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love.
It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot.
All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes,
the lump in your throat, and the hollow part of your chest.
Grief is just love with no place to go.”
Although I am suffering through the loss of my father, it brings me peace to know that I am sad and grieving because of the love I still have for my father. I know that it is okay to cry because those feelings come from deep within. I have an abundance of love left in my heart for my dad, and I am extremely thankful that I have the love to give in the first place. The spot he has in my heart will always remain. I remind myself that if no love existed with my loss, I would not be grieving at all.
Grief does not look the same for each person, but if you are experiencing grief, I encourage you to find your moments of peace and joy and celebrate the life of your loved one. Talk about the happy moments, reminisce through pictures, videos, or music, and find the little things in life that remind you of your loved ones. However, don’t be afraid to cry. Talk to a friend, find time to practice self-care, and most importantly, allow yourself to grieve. Life is beautiful and although the loss is tragic, it will help you realize what you truly value in life and give you a stronger appreciation for what you have.
Growing up, my dad would play his acoustic guitar—finger-picking the beginning guitar solo in Tesla’s “Love Song.” Since I lost my father, I have gravitated heavily toward this particular song and found peace in the nostalgia. Coincidentally, the lyrics are as follows:
“It’s gonna take a little time, I know
Time is sure to mend your broken heart
Don’t you even worry, pretty darlin’
‘Cause I know you’ll find love again”
The song carries on, repeating the line below:
“Love is gonna find a way, find its way back to you”
During your time of grief, finding peace and happiness may feel impossible. It may seem never-ending, but I promise it will end and you will find love again.
For resources on grief counseling, visit Empowered & Poised’s Resources page.
If you’d like to connect with Michaela, you can find her on Instagram at @michaela_toth.
