Navigating Being Mid-Sized
By Kendra
Unfortunately, most women at some point in their lives struggle with their bodies, and I am no different. It wasn’t until middle school that I noticed that I was a little larger than the girls I was playing sports and going on playdates with. As I got older and started to more densely consume the messages society sends to women and young girls, I began to think that my size was a problem that I needed to fix.
The shame came slowly and over time. Changing for gym class meant picking the locker in the very corner of the changing room so as few people saw me as possible. If a store didn’t have my size out on the floor, I would be too ashamed to ask for it, so I didn’t buy the item or ordered it online. When there was talk at my summer lifeguarding job about getting 2-piece swimsuits, I shied away from the conversation, thinking it was apparent that none of my coworkers would want to see me in a bikini. I avoided wearing certain types of pant material, worried the sound made from walking was too loud and noticeable. These were all the side effects of my problem.
I tried it all, fasting, intense exercise, diet programs, and I can remember asking my mother if they had liposuction for children. All this before even graduating high school.
I was confused as to why any of it never worked. I played lacrosse in high school and wondered why I never looked like my teammates. We all did the same workouts and the same practices five days a week, so why were they so skinny and I was not?
Because I have always been midsized, I had little relief for myself along the way. I took pride because I usually wasn’t the largest person in the room, maybe second or third. I thought that because I had skinny fingers and a small wrist and well-defined ankles that I was meant to be thinner, I just had to adjust my diet. I liked that I could hide my actual size behind clothes, buying pieces that didn’t fit me. I thought, at least I'm good at makeup because that distracts people from my body.
Well, no one ever told me that even if we all ate the same things and did the same workouts, we all would still be different sizes; we’re meant to be. No one told me that healthy looks different for everyone and because I was active my whole life, I am healthy. No one said that genetically it was hard for me to lose fat but easy to gain muscle; I am strong. Unfortunately, I had to wait until my college years to discover the realities of health and size and from an unlikely source, too. The same weapon perpetuating the mythical ideas of size is the same source that led me to body acceptance: social media.
After discovering women who have mid-sized bodies on Instagram like me, @thebirdspapaya, @nicolezaajac, and @fittybritttty (all pictured), I was able to come to the epiphany that I was not a problem and the only fixing that was needed was the way society and media bully women and girls into thinking there is one ideal body type. The way they unapologetically live their lives and love their bodies, stretch marks, love handles, rolls, and cellulite and all made me think that I can too!
I am now well into my body acceptance and self-love journey, but still have a long way to go. These women listed above made me realize many vital things that have changed the way I live my life, like that I don’t buy clothes to fit into them; I buy clothes that fit me. That I deserve to eat the cookie even if my dinner was unhealthy, that exercise shouldn’t be a punishment but a celebration of what my amazing body can do!
I think the first step to body acceptance is changing what kind of media you are consuming. Now that I see women my size on my timeline, I am more comfortable seeing myself in the mirror. It lets me know that I am not a problem; I don’t need fixing, especially since we are all in this together!
