The Power of ‘No’: The Choices We Get To Make
By Emily Knott
We all know about the power of “yes,” but when was the last time you exercised the power of “no?”
Learning to say “no” was one of the hardest skills I’ve ever had to learn. I was worried that I would lose friends, that I would disappoint people and that it would change my reputation. These beliefs held me hostage until I reached a point in my life when I was exhausted but still saying “yes.” Picture it - an early 20-something, cis-gendered, white woman who had just started graduate school after moving away from home - she’s burning the candle at both ends trying to establish social support through friendship, do well in school and financially support herself. It’s not a particularly unique story, many of my graduate school mates were going through the same struggle, and yet we all kept burning that candle.
By the middle of winter term, I was done. Something had to give. But I couldn’t quit school, couldn’t quit my job, and needed my social support. So what could change? It was a question I asked myself over and over again.
And then one day it happened. Someone asked to me do something (I don’t even remember who it was or what the task was), and I said no. Okay, so I didn’t say “no,” I said, “I don’t think I have the capacity to take that on right now.” The moment it was out of my mouth, fear pulled my body rigid, my breath froze in my chest and dread coiled in my stomach.
What felt like five minutes was actually only several seconds - the person acknowledged what I said, and moved on. No judgment, no shift of how they viewed me, just...moved on. And from that point onward, I haven’t looked back when it comes to saying “no.”
So, what’s the point of this story? “No” feels like the scariest word in the English language. Much like the “Jaws” song which is comprised of only two notes, the word “no” appears to be misleading in its dual letter simplicity. Who knew that two notes, as in the case of the “Jaws” song, and two letters could cause such fear!
But despite its scary nature, saying “no” is one of the most empowering experiences I’ve had.
Here are some ways integrate “no” into your life:
Practice saying “no” out loud. You can do this in the shower or even in your car. Get in the habit of saying the word.
Brainstorm other ways to say “no,” like “Unfortunately, I have another commitment,” “Apologies, but I can’t,” “I’m not able to make it this time,” “If only I could” or “I’m not sure I’m the best fit for this.”
Start small. Start by saying no to something small and work your way up to big stuff!
Identify what is stopping you from saying “no” and try to work around it.
Speak with mental health professional about setting and maintaining boundaries through “no.”
So, why does learning how to say “no” matter? The first answers that come to mind may have to do with things you need to focus on, being able to manage others’ expectations of what you can and cannot get done and setting reasonable boundaries. But among those first few answers is the core of why “no” is so important: when we say “no,” we are making a choice.
Later that year, in that same graduate program where I found my “no,” I was sitting in the lecture hall one day and the professor explained how people are often more defined by who they aren’t than by who they are. As a mental health professional, I find that this applies to our choices too, because when you say “no” to something, it inherently means you’re saying “yes” to something else. You’re prioritizing based on what you need/want out of life. It’s a way to advocate for yourself. For example, if I had integrated “no” into my life sooner, I could have chosen to prioritize self-care by saying “no” to all the demands on my time.
When was the last time you exercised the ability to say “no,” and can it be something you try more often? I 100% believe in the power of “no,” and I hope through exploration of how/why you do or do not exercise this power, you can make choices that better define how you want to live and who you want to be.
*Disclaimer: I understand that having the ability to say ‘no’ and not put myself, family, or career at risk is one of privilege.
About the Author: Emily is a folklorist, mental health counselor and certified clinical trauma specialist in Oregon. She specializes in trauma, holistic psychotherapy, narrative work and neurofeedback. When she’s not working, you can typically find Emily on one of Oregon’s hiking trails or with her nose in a good book. You can find her on Instagram @ emily.knott.counseling .
