Being By Myself to Find Myself
By Josie
Being alone. I don’t like it. I never have. Just ask my roommate. I always come sit in her room to do homework. Not together, I might add. She does her thing, and I do mine. We don’t talk, but I just crave someone’s presence. I’ll ask my sister to run to the pharmacy with me, so I don’t have to go by myself. And I love talking on the phone when I drive, so I don’t have to sit there in silence. I’m an extrovert, and I thrive on other people’s energy. You can imagine that quarantine is not going well for me. Due to my disliking (dare I say, fear) of being alone, I never thought I would find empowerment at a time when I was all by myself.
Empowerment is a tricky thing. When my friend asked me to write this blog (Thanks Dana!), I spent days reflecting on what the word “empowerment” really means. I realized that the answer was staring me right in the face. Power. It’s right there in the word. For me, empowerment means feeling strong, capable, confident, independent—powerful. It means taking the reins and doing what you want for once. Empowerment is dreaming big. It’s wanting to prove someone wrong. It’s feeling like you can do anything. You’re invincible, unstoppable. Empowerment is also recognizing that maybe you just can’t do it right now. It means taking time for yourself. It’s saying yes and saying no. Empowerment is shamelessly taking a mirror selfie when you’re feeling yourself. It’s putting on a blazer before an interview. It’s lifting weights that are probably too heavy for you. It’s a Lizzo song on a bad day.
For me, it was going to the beach alone.
As a rising senior in college, I am so grateful to have had the opportunity to study abroad last year. I spent five months in Tarragona, Spain, which is about an hour away from Barcelona. Studying abroad instilled in me a newfound sense of confidence and security. I bet you’ve already rolled your eyes, but please hear me out before writing me off as one of those typical “study abroad kids” whose experience “changed their life” (But yes, it did).
With my college only a 30-minute drive from home, studying abroad was the first time I was really on my own. I never thought that I could live by myself for five months, let alone in a different country. So many things scared me: being away from my family, struggling in school, getting lost, speaking Spanish, missing home. But one thing scared me more than anything. You guessed it. Being alone. I was the only person going to Tarragona from my university. Would I make any friends? Would my roommate and I get along? Would I find people to travel with?
Thankfully, the answer to all those questions is yes! I met the most amazing people from all over the world: Spain, Syria, Italy, Slovakia, Venezuela, Costa Rica. I traveled with people I just met and had an incredible time. I made friends that I still talk to today. We were all united in this weird experience of being dropped in a random country and having to figure it out, and we all helped each other along the way.
Even though I found a new support system in Spain, I also learned how to rely on myself. I spent a lot of time alone, and I surprisingly found myself not hating it. Don’t get me wrong. It took me a long time to get this point. The first couple months were not easy. But little by little, I started to find that presence I craved from my roommate in myself.
I did things I never thought I could do, like going on trips by myself. I found out that I actually like flying alone. I stayed in hotels by myself and slept in rooms with nine other strangers, guys and girls. I slept in airports and ate in restaurants alone. I went to museums and churches and stores all by myself, and I enjoyed it. I felt free, confident, powerful. From the girl who couldn’t even go to the pharmacy alone, traveling the world alone was a pretty big deal for me.
Traveling also helped me to discover my love for the ocean, as the beach was only a 30 minute walk from my dorm. Needless to say, I spent every free minute there. The weather was beautiful during my last week in Tarragona, and I wanted to go to the beach one last time. I asked a bunch of my friends to come with me, but everyone was busy. Normally, I would’ve just stayed home, but this was different. At this point, I had moved to a new country and traveled the world alone. I wanted to go to the beach, and I was going to do it—with or without my friends.
And that’s exactly what I did. I found a nice spot, got a good tan, took a few dips in the ocean, and spent the whole afternoon at the beach by myself. And the thing was, I had never felt so content. I didn’t feel sad or lonely being by myself. I didn’t need anything or anyone else. I wasn’t craving someone else’s presence. I felt present in that moment. I felt every cool breeze, every splash of warm water, every grain of sand. I felt happy. At peace. Empowered.
Studying abroad made me feel empowered. It tested my limits and taught me that I’m stronger than I thought. I learned to be comfortable with myself. I learned that I am a powerful, independent person who can do things on her own. There’s no beach in Ohio, but now I know I can go to the cafeteria alone, and the library, the gym, the coffee shop, the party. Even though I’m the same people-loving person, I learned that I’m a pretty cool person to spend time with too.
