I’m Quitting, Again
By Loretta
I'm down here again, on the kitchen floor, with a tear soaked face and my knees to my chest. I’m sitting here staring at the street light that’s cascading across my living room wall. I find myself here every once in a while when I hit another block and am tired and exhausted from doing it all. It’s difficult to keep pushing forward to create something new and always striving for bigger and better. Instead of moving forward, I often end up standing still in a place that won't budge. In these moments, I can’t seem to fully move forward, but I refuse to go back. I wonder if I’m ever going to get out of the space that I am currently in.
I let the frustration and the anger flow in this spot in my kitchen. I finally got a carpet a few months back so this time around it’s a little more comfortable but it’s still nothing extravagant- just a simple kitchen.
Growing up, I would break down on the floor right at the foot of my bed. Since moving, the location has changed to the kitchen, right by the stove, but my feelings remain the same.
There’s no music that plays when I’m down on the ground. I only hear silence as time passes minute by minute and sometimes even for over an hour. I can hear my neighbor stomping above me, the motorcycle revving by, and my daughter calling out in her sleep. The minutes tick by and I don’t move. I just let the tears flow.
It’s the spot I tend to find when the world gets too overwhelming as I fight a constant uphill battle. Some days it’s my career, while others days it’s motherhood, the lack of achieving my dreams, or a struggle with another failed relationship. This spot collects frustrated tears.
It’s the spot in the quiet of the night, or dark hours of the early morning, where I let go of being strong. I let my shoulders drop and my head fall. It’s where I break from the overwhelming feeling of constantly needing to do better and fight for more- more success, more freedom, more time, and more money. It’s where I collapse after weeks of grinding, studying, pushing, searching, and desperately trying to force more movement.
When the successes aren’t coming fast enough and another big break falls through I find myself on the ground after another grand disappointment. The rubber met the road one too many times and now the tires are flat. After all the endless hours of work, I feel like I am no further than where I started.
It’s where I come to give up…
…but just for a second or maybe for a few hours. I let progress meet, “forget it!” The “I’m so done” national anthem is orchestrated into a hollow song and it’s just me left in the audience. I let “I quit” fall off my lips until it rings in my ears. I allow all the heavy thoughts to flow from my numbing consciousness onto the floor. I empty out all variations of throwing in the towel until I have cliched my way into a puddle of self-sabotage. And when I can think of no other way to give up, I pick myself up and make my way to bed. There the numbness induces just enough serotonin that I pass out due to pure exhaustion.
I talk a good quitting game for someone that has made it as far as I have. Although this spot on the floor has made it to many different addresses, it’s the biggest denominator in my book of life. I come here a lot. I guess you can call me a quitter, but if you’re reading this hoping this is the part where you see me fail… you're going to be very disappointed. Yes, this is the spot where I quit…
I quit the old version of me. I quit the people who put me down here. I quit the stagnant mindset and the thoughts that keep holding me back. I give up on the plans and ideas that aren't working. I give up all the negative thoughts that are keeping me from accomplishing my goals. I walk away from places, people, and jobs that are not serving me and I go find better.
I create new plans, develop new strategies, and restructure my goals. I dive deeper into researching what I need to do next. I kill off the parts of me that keep bringing me back to this spot, and I go build a better version. The old me dies here, right before the new me takes flight into a new beginning.
Yes, I'm back on this floor again. It’s the same spot, but the address is different. My clothes are different, my circumstances are different, my struggles are on a different level. The frustrations that bring me here are new level frustrations. Here is the kickstart right before something amazing happens. Here is where I lose faith, right before I find it again.
If you’d like to connect with Loretta you can find her on Instagram: @darkmoonempireest2019
