It’s Okay to Start Over

By Lynn

Growing up, I always hated my name. ”Jennifer.” Ugh.  I never thought it suited me. To me, that name meant popular, likable and pretty – and I used none of those words to describe myself. When I tried to talk to my parents about calling me by a nickname or my middle name, they got defensive and told me that I just needed to get over it. So I tried to do just that.

Middle school, as you can probably already guess, was rough. I went by Jenn. I didn’t have a secure friend group, and I was bullied relentlessly. My home life wasn’t easy either – I felt like I didn’t have an escape. I developed severe depression by age 12, and by the time middle school was over, I had already attempted to take my life multiple times.

My self-esteem was essentially nonexistent when I started high school, and someone I considered a friend at the time took advantage of that. He called me Jennifer. We dated for three and a half years, and he abused me for all of it – emotionally and sexually. But I thought nothing of it. Toward the beginning of my junior year of high school, he decided he was bored of me, and dumped me over the phone while he was at college. At that moment, I realized everything he had done to me. I realized that I was a victim. I realized that I was a survivor.

By the time I graduated high school, I had a small, but solid, friend group. My journey to healing was still in its first stage, but at least I had a support group to help me work through it. College started that August, and I immediately found a second friend group. I opened up to one of my new friends about hating my name, and he finally helped me build up the courage to change it – Lynn. We started by just having him call me Lynn to see if I liked it. I did. Within a week, I was asking my roommates, my friends and my professors to start calling me by Lynn instead of Jen. As simple and silly as that sounds, it changed everything for me. I felt new.  I felt strong. I felt confident in who I was for the first time in my life.

After changing my name, I reached out to a therapist to talk through my abuse (and my hatred of my name). They told me those two things went hand in hand. It made sense that changing my name made me feel empowered. I associated my first name with my hometown and the abuse I endured. I associated it with a dark time in my life. And by changing my name, I was taking control of my life. It was a small change to the rest of the world, but it was a huge first step for me. It was a fresh start. As a result, I started to be more open about who I was.  My personality blossomed. I grew from my experiences, both good and bad, and I used them to help and empower others around me. I became a whole new person. I started becoming who I always wanted to be.

My parents and family still don’t call me by my preferred name, but that’s okay. I’m figuring out who I am now. I still have days when I struggle, but healing isn’t linear, and neither is figuring out who you are. Although my first name is still a trigger for me, I’ve taken steps to learn how to deal with and overcome it.

So even if it’s something simple, like changing your hair, your style or your name, it’s okay to change. It’s okay to do something that separates you from your past, even if other people don’t view it in the same way. It’s okay to do something that’s meaningful for YOU and you alone. Because the most important thing for YOU is to feel comfortable in your own skin.