The Impact of Divorce on Pre-Teen and Teenaged Girls: Helping Develop and Maintain Healthy Relationships Post Divorce
By Dr. Rondi A. Mosteller
Who gets custody of our children? How much child support will I need? Will our children have to move or go to a different school? How am I supposed to be both a mother and father to our children? Divorce has a paralyzing effect on most children, but can be acutely devastating to pre-teen and teenaged girls. In particularly egregious cases, the impact often stunts their emotional growth. Luckily, however, we have the tools to help our daughters.
A strong and loyal support system is critical. As ladies, we truly have the most work to do - we manage our homes and families, which is stressful... especially with the added pressure of divorce. However, when a family is broken by divorce, it seems all situations are exponentially growing out of control. Having one or two loyal friends and/or family members for support is essential. My best friend’s daughter once told her mother and me how lucky she was to have two wonderful women she could count on when needed. We should not underestimate these connections during a divorce. These are the women who will gather at your home to carve pumpkins with your children, attend school functions with you and whose mere presence envelopes you like a warm blanket fresh from the dryer.
The raw emotions of divorce penetrate through a tough exterior to form a barrier against the world. Girls will form this barrier much quicker, thus maintaining strong ties with those whom we form the closest bond must continuously be nurtured. I don’t trust easily, which is a trait shared by many women. I have a handful of friends and family members (male and female) who I know I can depend on during difficult times. During divorce, relying on the male members of our families and inner circle to help model good relationships for our daughters is essential for their growth and mental well-being. If we have a good relationship with the males in our families, our male friends and colleagues will help our daughters see the possibilities of having and maintaining strong and healthy relationships with men.
When I went through my divorce, I tried to remember that we were once a happy family. One beautiful day, we promised to love and cherish each other forever. We were joyful when our children were born, and we now hate each other. It’s difficult to be kind to someone you do not like, but you are also aware that half of your daughter’s DNA is from her father and that she loves him. So, you draw in those feelings of hatred, and smile when you see him so that your daughter sees a healthy relationship.
I never said anything bad about my kids’ father to them. I listened to them and offered advice only when they asked. I continued to be kind to their father, despite his repeated attempts to harm me. Give your daughter the gift of love for her father; show her you love him because he helped create her and she will grow her own healthy relationships. When we hold each other accountable, we create a generation of strong women who will go on to create another generation of strong women.
