The Things I Carry
By Morgan
She was 5 years old and carried a “Dora the Explorer” suitcase inside her grandmother’s apartment. She carried affliction, bewilderment and trepidation as she watched the police arrest her mother and put her in the back of the car. She sat by the door with tears in her eyes as she watched them take her away. Morgan stayed with her grandmother for four days before her father and stepmother came to her “rescue.” Although it was supposed to be a rescue for her, she didn’t realize it would become a strenuous two year custody battle. She carried resentment towards her mother for leaving her and abandoning her with her beast of a stepmother. She carried confusion and discomfort in her heart attempting to understand why her mother would choose drugs over her. Was Morgan’s love not good enough? What could Morgan do to get her mother to stay in her life? How could Morgan be a better daughter?
She was now 10 years old and carried a bottle of rubbing alcohol and cotton balls to her mother. Morgan had contracted a rash from poison ivy that summer. Her mother began to clean the rash and started to fall asleep while she was helping. Morgan carried the thoughts, “Maybe she is just tired. She had a long day.” She tried to wake her up, but Morgan couldn’t. She carried panic and fear like she had never experienced. She called for her aunt Jenn who was in the room next to them and aunt Jenn yelled at Morgan to go into the bedroom and not to come out. She carried hate and trouble on her mind, as she knew what was wrong with her mother. Morgan carried a blanket and cold washcloth to Aunt Jenn after she laid her mother on the couch. Aunt Jenn said, “Honey, your mom isn’t feeling well, let her rest and sweat out her sickness.” After that day, Morgan returned to her father’s house and made a decision to no longer see her.
Morgan was 16 and had not spoken to her mother in six years. A day after Morgan’s birthday she received a phone call from her grandmother. “Hey, I’m not sure if you care or want to know, but your mom gave birth yesterday to a boy. You have a new brother.” Morgan carried a collection of emotions: Dejection, frustration, anxiety, agitation, and dismal. How could this be possible? She carried jealousy as she wondered why her mother would not take care of her and be a part of Morgan’s own life. She then received news that Connor had tested positive for heroin when he was born. He was then put into the foster care system without a chance for Morgan to meet him. She began to carry depression along with other mental illnesses. To help ease her mind, Morgan would carry a basketball to her nearby gym and would train for four hours a day. Later that year, she injured herself in a game resulting in an extensive recovery process that consisted of nine knee surgeries. During those thirteen months of recovery, Morgan carried a multitude of things. However, she and her brother, Connor, were both missing one thing - their mother.
Morgan is now 22 years old. Of all of the things she carried; heartache, self-hatred, and a cynical mindset, she learned that it’s more important to carry determination, persistence, hope, strength, pride and optimism. She now carries a stable mentality and strong network of individuals who thrive to see her succeed. Morgan looks up to her father and carries both admiration and love for him. She strives to be a role model for her peers and younger sister. Morgan recognizes that the cards that were dealt to her might not have been “fair,” but it’s a hand that can still be played. Morgan knows that she can choose what she carries in her life and although the cards she possesses may not seem fair, this does not mean that she can not win or draw new cards. Morgan is proud of herself as she is only a semester away from obtaining her bachelor’s degree. She feels grateful for her past and current circumstances because they have given her strength, wisdom, and character. Morgan carries joy, love, comfort and relief, as she has finally come to terms with her chaotic life and everything that encompasses it. Morgan carries herself and hopes to empower others to carry the things she feels blessed to have.
